"IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES..."
"IT WAS THE AGE OF WISDOM, IT WAS THE AGE OF FOOLISHNESS...'
"...it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
"...it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
-Charles Dickens, ‘A Tale of Two Cities’, 1847
|…ok, ok, so I’ve established it’s an anniversary month, and the thing I really like most about May is not getting a trinket and a slice of cake, nor the attention surrounding this event (though there was a time I lived for it, so I brook no argument with those who live trinket to trinket), it’s the spiritual snapshot of my spiritual development every year.
This time last year I was lost like a newborn foundling, with weak legs and a sappy look on my face, unmoored and adrift in a new, confusing city. I was in deep spiritual distress, and I was connected to no home group or person, save my sponsor on the other end of a 3000 mile phone line. Not a good situation at all.
And yet, for all the suffering I was going through, I sensed beyond the veil of pain and depression the feeling that God’s hand was strongly clasped on the back of my neck, nimbly and gently moving through the proverbial hallway from one door to the next, on a mission of His will that I neither fathom nor fight.
This year, shocking to nobody except me, I am doing extremely well in every area of my life, save one. I am almost tempted to coyly bring up that old adage: “…other than THAT, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play”? The truth, however, is that even in this one very frightening situation; I feel the hand of God at work, in every aspect, in every day. My projects at work are going well, I’m maintaining an A- average in Graduate school, I’ve got a good shot at an Ivy League post graduate education, I’m being recruited weekly for jobs I’ve never dreamed of, etc. And yet – there is the situation I am dealing with, gnawing at me like a cancer – and it’s my own damn fault, for AA gives me tools to deal with any situation that comes my way, so now I shall deal this one: “God, take away my fear of the unknown, and turn my attention toward what you would have me be”…
Truly – it is the ‘Best of Times and The Worst of Times’ for me right now, both in life, and in AA – as it always is! This is why I am not a big believer in that old AA saw that ‘fear and faith cannot live in the same house’…I have absolute faith that my Father will see me through this situation in a manner best befitting my spiritual development and in the best interest of justice for all – including me. My fear is that it will hurt, as it always does, as it must, for as Bill Wilson once remarked: “…pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth”.
In short, I have absolute faith that my Father is looking out for me, and absolute fear of the pain I shall have to endure to get to the other side. The good news is the promise my sponsor made me so long ago after we took the Third Step together still holds true in my life: “The Will of God Won’t Take You Where the Grace of God Can’t Keep You”.
I am in God’s grace today – I can feel it. May this entry find you in His Grace as well. While in AA we are promised a personal God of our own understanding, with great love and compassion I can honestly say I wish my God on anyone, for he is a loving God, and a merciful God. I didn’t earn my seat in AA – I earned a box in Potter’s field. Thank God I didn’t get what I deserve; what I got was mercy, and in His grace and Mercy I pray we remain.
And so it goes.
COG, 1st Cl.|
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Hang in there, D., you've got more people pulling for you than you konw.
ReplyDelete"We trust infinite God rather than our finite We are in the world to play the role He asssigns. Just to the extent that we do as we thing He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." BB p.68
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