'...WE DISCOVERED WE DID NOT NEED TO CONSIDER ANOTHER'S CONCEPTION OF GOD'....
..."OUR OWN CONCEPTION, HOWEVER INADEQUATE, WAS SUFFICIENT TO MAKE THE APPROACH AND TO EFFECT A CONTACT WITH HIM..."
"...God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him...the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.
-Alcoholics Anonymous, p46
His first answer to me (never trust an alcoholic’s first answer) was: "You know I don't believe in God". My answer was: "I didn't ask you if you believed in God, I asked you why you didn't pray to a God of your own understanding for a defense against the first drink"...his answer was quick, honest and to the point: "Because I knew if I had prayed, it would have worked". The next morning the shock and reality of what he had done in his drunken stupor overtook him and he took his own life - a sad but all to recurring story in AA.
This is May, which is my anniversary month, and May always brings me back to the very beginning of my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. Every year I think about different aspects of my early recovery, and this time around I am thinking of my first few savage months in AA.
Brought to my very first AA meeting Circa 1992 I knew two things with absolute certainty:
1. That beyond any shadow of a doubt and quite without my permission that I was alcoholic after all, and
2) that the solution to alcoholism involved God somehow, and that without HIS help I was screwed.
Looking back I know realize that I thought Step One read: ADMIT YOU'RE A LOSER, and Step Two read: Go Back to the Church and repent. I don't know how or why I thought this, but I did. So, during my first ten months of AA I knew I was damned to drink again, for although I suspected there was a God, I knew he had to see me as a vile and lowly creature, for in my drunk stupor, like any alcoholic, I said and did things I was convinced would damn me forever.
This is why I think it is so important to show our brethren in AA that slam the steps, God and our Book without ever having availed themselves of the solution the same patience, tolerance, kindliness and love I was shown, for I spent ten savage months in AA railing against those very same things: God, the Steps, and our Book, without every trying any of them.
At the end of every inventory I've done for the resentments I get against the people who attack me for discussing the glory of God, our Book, are the realization that these very sick and unfortunate souls aren't attacking me personally, but the concept of God itself. And those lumps, my friend, I take gladly, and like the song says, I do it all for 'The Glory of Love'.
Today, I consider my relationship with God my most valued possession. My sponsor always told me: "you tell me what a man's number one priority in life is, and I'll show you who his higher power is". Amen - no truer words were spoken. Whenever I share honestly and truthfully in AA about my personal experience (drunken hopelessness), strength (what was once a flimsy reed turned out to be the loving hand of God) and my hope (that God continues to do for me what I cannot do for myself), I consider it an honor to be chastised for the unenlightened, for it means I have served my Father. When people get up and walk out on me, it tells me I am doing something right.
Page 55 tells us the 'deep down inside every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God'...which rings true for me, for I've always know there was a God, drunken stupor or not; I just found it convenient to ignore his existence. Sprinkled liberally throughout the book are many references which teach us that ANY conception of God, however inadequate, is enough to effect the step two experience and start us on the road to recovery; or, as my sponsor says: "no second step, no sanity", which rings true if you consider that on p85 our Book tells us straight out that once we FINISH (note the caps) the ninth step, we are restored to sanity, which has been the case with me.
My story is thus: when I came back to AA on May 25th, 1994, I knew I was going to die drunk in very short order unless I tried something different and drastic; that turned out to be the program of AA as described in our Book. I suspected there as a God, and that, as our Book tells us, was enough to make a start. I said a Third Step prayer to fuzzy idea of God I wasn’t quite sure was listening; I did a Fourth Step I was convinced was a waste of time, and I did my Fifth Step with a man I despised, then a wonderful thing happened: I believed. I had cross the bridge from faith to belief.
What happened? Well, as I told my story to my sponsor, I began to see the hand of God in every mishap in my life, and I began to realize just how lucky I was to be alive, much less sober. And so I still believe today.
So, that crude and misshapen first pass at a spiritual experience and perfected and enlarged and flourished in my heart, in that place that only God and I can see, and is much changed and constantly morphing into something different. Sometimes I am very mad at God, but beneath it all I know God has my best interests at heart, for he needs to shape me to do his will. Of this I am certain.
I am reminded of a certain Saint who suffered from terrible physical torture which made him pray for relief, which in turn made him feel closer to God; he would pray: “God, if my suffering brings me closer to you, then, I pray that I suffer more deeply, if it be your will”.
This is a rough month for me, and I have suffered and I shall continue to suffer to get to the other side of a very serious situation in my life, and I’ve only got one thing to say: If it will bring me closer to God, bring it on. If my suffering makes me a better member of AA, bring it on. If my suffering will better equip me to serve my Father, then bring it on, for every time I’ve suffered in AA, real good – and not a little growth – has come from it. Even today, with my current crisis hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles, I am 'Happy, Happy'.
And so it goes.
COG, 1st Cl.|
COG, 1st Cl.|
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment
Welcome as a witness to a fools journey out of the darkness. I welcome all tidings - you are all my teachers on this path toward a meaningful and purposeful sobriety.
COG, 1st Cl.