AFTER YOU'VE BEEN ROCKETED INTO THE FOURTH DIMENSION OF EXISTENCE...
...'THANKSGIVING' BECOMES REDUNDANT.
The first couple of holiday seasons in early sobriety were the hardest for me. Not being one to blame my alcoholism on my childhood, there were nonetheless some pretty ugly holiday memories for me to deal with, Thanksgiving being at the top of the list.
Truly, the horror of who I was for my first few years of sobriety crippled me during the holiday season – I literally went into a fetal position. Too many bad memories, too much stress, and way too soon to go back to see the family. Today, as a direct result of stepwork, stepwork and still yet more stepwork, I am nonplussed by the holiday season; it's more of an irritation, really; but that was not always the case.
What is a newcomer to do to get over the Thanksgiving blues? Well, my sponsor, not one for being short on suggestions, put me to work doing service at Alchathons and missions on the Bowery. He knew keeping me into action is always the right key (our Book constantly reminds us that when all else fails, nothing so much ensures immunity from drinking as working with others), though he knew on a deeper, more visceral level that this was only ‘hiding out’ in AA, though good was being done, the real issue was my unwritten inventory, undone amends, and getting right with God – again. No matter how much service I did, I was forever doomed to being a wounded animal until I finished my ninth step (see page 82-84 for more about this).
Verily, my sobriety hung at the jumping off place for three winter's moons. So, at about three years sober, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, worried and depressed during every holiday season, I took another swipe at inventory and found that evil and corroding thread – fear – at the bottom of my holiday seasonal depression. I shared this newfound revelation with my sponsor and all he could say was ‘of course, you silly bastard! If you live in the disciplines of steps ten, eleven, and twelve, for the recovered alcoholic, every day is a day of Thanksgiving – for it is only by the grace of God that you am sober (you silly bastard, again)’.
Today, the concept of being especially grateful on any one day for this great fact is absolutely ludicrous. I am immensely grateful for my life. The same goes of Christmas – every day is a day that I have new concept of God, and therefore a new higher power which is born;, and as for New Years? Every DAY is a new day, a new start, a new gift - who needs the whole year when we do this thing one day at a time?
This is why I find the concept of holidays absolutely laughable – not in a ‘I’m superior’ kind of way, it’s just that if one truly practices AA – all of it – the Traditions, the Steps, the Concepts, and the Warrants, every day is Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s day, all in one.
Though I try to increase the joy of those around me that still enjoy these holidays with an (enviable) childish wonder, I also keep an eye out for those of us who are still in the grips our past horrors, who have NOT had the spiritual awakening promised us in the steps, to remind them that they, too, are entitled to the joy that I have found. The only price is the complete and utter destruction of self, which is found after ego has been crushed to dust after the completion of the last ninth step amend.
If you do not understand or agree with this, I suggest you get off your ass, stop pointing your finger at the sad state of the world and start writing. In the words of the Desiderata: “For all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful – strive to be happy’.
COG, 1st Cl.
-At his Mom’s house on the Jersey Shore
Thanksgiving, 2009 (I love you, Mom!)
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Welcome as a witness to a fools journey out of the darkness. I welcome all tidings - you are all my teachers on this path toward a meaningful and purposeful sobriety.
COG, 1st Cl.